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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.